Last month a man from Oregon went dark side and attacked customers and cops alike with two lightsabers in a Toys R Us. Why? It’s clearly because he heard about the impending second coming and theatrical release of Star Wars: Episode 1 in 3D.

Unfortunately this poor soul was apprehended by the force-resistant police and will serve 45 days in jail for his Sith Lord crimes.

It’s always been speculated that the world will end in 2012; and evidently the Lovecraftian horror that will doom us all is Star Wars: Episode 1 being rereleased. This man is first of many. We’ll all be driven insane by this atrocity.

The movie hits theaters — you’re dead to me.